Scared

Was supposed to work today.  I’m finding life a little too hard at the moment.  So I took a day to myself. If a day on and off crying in bed with my cat can be considered a day to myself.  I’m scared about school.  I’m scared about my future.  I’m scared I might have ruined my one chance of a great relationship.  I’m scared about seeing the counselor tomorrow.  I’m just scared.  And all I want is that someone to show up at my door and make everything all better just by hugging me, kissing me, or even just smiling at me and telling me it will all be okay. Sometimes that’s all you really need.

 I’m heartbroken. I broke my own heart. I don’t know if I even want to fix the pieces this time.  Is it worth it?  I was cheated on in maybe…98% of the relationships I have been in.  Or left for another girl. I have been in one decent relationship, but he wasn’t the one.

 I push away people who want to get close to me.  I’m doing that with Dipak, unintentionally.  Only because he is making it seem like he would rather hurt me than tell the truth.  Amy isn’t going to feel any better knowing in a month, then she would be knowing right now.  In fact, she will probably feel worse.  So he’s breaking my heart, and prolonging possibly breaking her heart as well.  

Utsav put an idea in my head that could be true.  Amy always seems to go back to Dipak when she needs him. And he lets it happen.  So what if he is waiting to tell her in hopes that she will go back to him again? Maybe she won’t move and she’ll stay with him? I don’t know.  I don’t think I ever will know.  At the moment, I don’t think he will ever speak to me again. 

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